why?

my only safe space. the only thing that would calm me down with no voice nor action, only my fingers tapping on buttons of letters. the only place where I can say things out loud, with no eyes nor ears to witness or listen to.

all the things that’s been occurring in my life, turns out to affect me no matter what. IT affects me, not when this body and mind is fully functioned, but when some other strange things take over. It even seems surreal for me when i’m sober that I am actually despising the fact that IT happened.

IT slowly turns me into something and someone I don’t even know, all that self-hatred and rage just come to surface without me noticing.

One other thing that I know, I was someone who’s ¬†footloose and carefree, but SOMETHING¬†changed me. Whether I like it or not, I was transformed into someone or something new, maybe more loveable or not. No matter how I love being my new myself, I can’t deny the part of me that’s tired of being overly sensitive and hurt. That part of me is begging for me to be the old me, that footloose and carefree me.

Can I? Can I go back?

I beg the universe, from air to dust, to bring back the heartless me, for SOMEONE has found my heart and let it rest inside my soul. I need someone to take it out and put it away for away, so I won’t feel hurt. Maybe it’s the temazepam talking, but I feel that I will be so much relieved if I have no heart and no feeling.

feeling hurts, heart breaks. so why do we have to have this emotion and feeling?

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