bumbling boo

a bit of writing.

it’s something on my mind that bothers me. i feel like nothing but writing. my old passion and compassion. i’ve been living my life and spend much time to read and write. i believe words have the power to cure. rather than waiting for time to heal, i better write and write the whole expression of my heart. i do believe in coincidence and bad luck. and i believe my luck doesn’t last anymore, bad luck took over my life these days.

it’s just like LIFE. Life isn’t perfect like people always think. it’s a mess, tho some people insist on calling life as A BEAUTIFUL MESS. but is it really what it is? i think you people deceive yourself into thinking that way. i know beautiful things exist, but i believe hatred, war and fight are on the top of people’s life. there’s no such things as fairytales tho i’ve tricked myself and forced myself to believe that unicorns, pixies and fairies exist. flying with pixie dusts, swimming with mermaid and watch how princesses end up with happily ever after story. but reality?

reality is bitter. it is pain. it is the toxic that poison your life. you are driven into the wild thoughts believing happy ending exist. i do believe if you read my note, you would think i’m sort of a non-believer. but i do believe that we live to glorify GOD and then die. we end up in heaven with HIM and all His angels. well, i’m so looking forward to it.

I’m so sick of naiveness, loneliness, boredom and pain. i want something better. i know my life is not that beautiful and holy, tho maybe i don’t deserve a single spot in heaven. but i do believe that God created me for reasons. reasons i haven’t but will realize.

people say, “when life knocks you down, hold onto something and rise again” but isn’t that too corny? cheesy? that means, YOU ARE WEAK. come on! if you depend on something every time you’re down , every time you fall. how on earth you could get up if you’re alone? and if you keep hang onto something. when it’s gone, you will stumble and fall again. and are you going to wait for another something to come so you can hold onto another something then rise? hell no! figure out how to rise! brace yourself. make yourself the best in the world. you are SOMETHING that deserve to be treated better.

do you believe in destiny? i don’t think i can anymore. when someone say, “i’m destined to be your best friend!” but, don’t they let you down for couple of times. do you find it hard to get up and get over it? i found it funny, but acquaintances are sometimes better. they won’t drive you nuts? this whole system of thinking has gone wrong for centuries. and someone should take responsibility, but i just don’t know who.

but, don’t get me wrong. i know i’m inexplicably weird and strange. don’t you? if you don’t, read this : i’m okay if my boyfriend cheated on me, as long as he’s not my husband. isn’t that silly? but yea, it’s true. i don’t bother keeping my boyfriend to stick with me all the time, well, they have their life and we’re not tied by oath. back on track, don’t get me wrong. i’m not always a pessimists. i’ll turn like this just during the hideous torture i get.

keeping me away from my friends and whom i love is just worse than water torture. or any other torture. for instances, walk til your feet bleed. i know it sounds so horrible and painful, but at least you will be only physically in pain. but when you’re let to be alone, it’s like you are mentally and physically sick. in pain. it’s really pain in the ass. i know i make mistakes, huge mistakes. but, WE DO MISTAKES as PART OF GROWING UP. well, i’m still alright of getting punished tho, but just not this hard? everyone does that. even more, the ones i thought would never do such naughty things, they actually do. they really do. there will never be flawless daughter nor son.

how can you learn how to bike well if you never fall? how can you learn how to swim if you never drown? there’s nothing instant in this world, really nothing. as this is my spontaneous note, i hope you guys mind this note and don’t take this too seriously. i just need something to unleash the beast inside me. i have this issue of being grounded and it’s day-6.

to all parents in the world, remember when you’re a child, have you ever said this repetitiously? “i will never treat my children like that” or “i will never ever make my children feel the way i feel”? it’s just something my mind impulsively comes out with. now remember, i mean nothing in this note. it’s just, my fingers just cooperate too well with my brain, together they create these all words fit together. like they belong together, next to each other, creating sentences, paragraphs, and the whole thing. no offense everybody. this is me. this is who i am.


Thanks for Hendra Surjadi and Ratnawaty Tanzil for the chance of getting this photoshoot done. place : ancol and i know you wouldn’t believe it!

Dress – Topshop, Heels – C&K, Bangles – Diva, Dotti, Necklace – sportsgirl, Rings – Diva, Dotti

Dress – Zara, Bangles – Diva, Dotti, Heels – Amante, Rings – Diva

credit : Hendra Surjadi

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